Ditching "Happily Ever After"

Addie, a three year-old girl that I babysit, recently feel in love with the movie Enchanted: a Disney fairy-tail about a princess who escapes her cartoon form, enters the 'real world', falls in love, and ends up living happily ever after. The movie opens with the main character, Giselle, singing as her bird friends fly to her window. One day, after Addie had watched Enchanted continuously for a week, she ran down from her room, hysterical. When her mom asked what was wrong, Addie, through tears, answered, "I sang and the birds didn't come flying to my window!"

Although as we age, we don't respond as dramatically as Addie did when "fairy-tails" don't come true in our lives, we still experience disappointment. We live in a culture where we are constantly bombarded with the notion that fantasies, grown-up fairy-tails, are realistic. But unfortunately, these fantasies are what they are: unattainable lives of perfection. Fantasies are not destructive when they are viewed as such; in many cases they can be stress relievers and vacations from the real world. It is when we start to see fantasies as normal and realistic that we set ourselves up for discontent and unhappiness.

For instance, many of the women of Jennifer Maher's article, "What Do Women Watch?," revel in the pleasure of watching "reality TV" on TLC because of the content they feel when they see that "perfect love and happiness" is possible. And then, when these women discover that the "real romantic life is not as exciting as the televised narrative," they begin the painful and destructive cycle of watching fantasies that evoke the same romantic emotions and continually becoming discontent with the lack of perfection in their lives (Maher 90).

These fantasies we are bombarded with not only inevitably lead us to dissatisfaction and unhappiness if we understand them as realistic. They also serve to cause us to objectify other people of this world. In his article, "Picture Perfect," Douglas Rushkoff shares that after relving in the fantasies that the American media had overwhelmed him with, he looked for a partner of perfection. But he recognized the problem with this: human's aren't perfect. He wasen't relating to these potential partners as real people; he was relating to them as objects...potential trophy wives. He reflects that, "Looking at a potential romantic partner through a lens like this (one that demanded perfection) was doomed to failure."

So what are we to do in a world that falsely brainwashes us into thinking that "happily ever after" is a reachable ideal? Rushkoff writes that he has "found 'the one.' precisely because she's the one who's forced [him] to realize there's no such thing." He ditched the scripts that demanded that he find perfection. In other words, to be truly HAPPY, we must grow up and ironically realize that "HAPPILY ever after" is truly a fantasy: it doesn't exist in our world.

Eyeing New Worlds

This week's readings focused on very modern dilemmas of family. To begin a discussion on family, we must recognize some very important changes that have occurred within our own lifetime regarding the dynamics of American families. Not even as little as ten years ago would our culture have been as open as it has become to adding gay couples and their children to the definition of family, or allowing room for "stay at home dads" to be accepted. Our generation has truly been one of the first that has gotten to witness how a world can begin to alter its perception of things as ingrained into society as family. With that being said, however, there are still battles to face before the definition and dynamics of family become truly all-inclusive. And one of the most vital areas of change needs to focus around the accepted roles of fatherhood.

I grew up in what I would consider a feminist household; and that included my dad. Actually, my dad is one of the biggest activists I know when it comes to fighting for things on the feminist agenda. There is no question, in my mind, that female athletes in Minnesota would have less amazing opportunities, such as playing in the State Tournament at the Xcel Energy Center, had he not fought battles with the Minnesota State High School League regarding the inequality of treatment of male vs female athletes; and that is just one example. None-the-less, even with my dad's feminist influence, we are not a household completely free of the gender-dynamic influence of our society. When my sister and I were young, my mom was a stay at home mom. I guess I never really asked why it was her who chose to stay home versus my dad, but it would not be out of the question that my dad, like the men in Gerson's article, "felt too 'demoralized' to consider staying home." This more than likely wasn't because he felt as if my mom was incapable to work. It was instead because he felt it was his job to be the Alpha male: the one protecting and providing. It is my assumption that it is for this reason that he has to be the one who drives when the whole family is in the car together. He often reasons, "I don't want anyone else to have to take the responsibility of making sure this family is safe." My dad may be one in a million to me, but in reality his feelings aren't uncommon of fathers in our society.

So what are we to do in a nation where women are coming closer and closer to making up the majority of the workplace? To have a stay-at-home world that is all inclusive, as Gerson suggested, we need to "...prompt wider social acceptance of egalitarian households, bolstering the option to make such choices." This movement towards domestic equality demands an ability to overcome the obstacles to change social constraints (Gerson 328). Our culture must eventually come to recognize that fathers have a tremendous ability to be great role models for their sons and daughters, and for society in general, by taking up the mammoth job of stay-at-home dad. Not only do children benefit from their unique perception of alternate gender dynamics in this instance, but they also "develop a flexible approach to building their own lives." (Gerson 327) This is perhaps the greatest gift we can give the children of this nation...the idea that they can truly become what ever and who ever they want to be.

We are coming to a point where we are at least considering what this world could look like with all-inclusive parenthoods; meaning that society allows room for "stay-at-home dads" to be accepted and valued. But, we are not there yet. So today, it is still a vision we look to and consider, while some battle society's expectations and try to enter.